Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my mid-40s and have two children with my partner of 12 years. I really want us to get married, but it’s an awkward subject because whenever I’ve had conversations with my partner about it, he’s very non-committal, saying things like, “Maybe one day”, “It’s not important to me”, and, “Why are you so bothered?”
There are several reasons. I want the romance of a wedding, I’d like to have the same surname as my kids and they would love it if we got married. I want us to feel properly united as a family, plus there are legal and financial protections too.
I’m sick of waiting for him to pop the question, so I’ve decided to propose to him. I’ve booked us a weekend away and plan to do it then. I haven’t told anyone else what I’m planning. Is this crazy?
I know I risk being rejected and then where does that leave me – and us as a couple? Our relationship is good, but he’s always made a lot of the big decisions, like where we live. I’d love your opinion.
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Coleen says
What you need to think carefully about is what the outcome would be if he says no – would it be your last straw? It doesn’t mean you have to split up or that he doesn’t love you, but consider whether it’s going to be enough for you in the years to come. Maybe he doesn’t see the importance of it – some people don’t want to take that step, even if they have no intention of ever being with anyone else.
My sister Denise was with her partner, Tom, for 47 years before they got married. She was never interested in anyone apart from Tom but was afraid marriage would mean he’d take her for granted and it would spoil a good thing. But on her wedding day she was so happy and delighted she’d tied the knot.
But I understand why it hurts that he has never wanted to make that commitment to you when you want it so badly. It’s bound to make you feel insecure and worry he doesn’t love you enough or he’ll eventually go off with someone else. But marriage wouldn’t change that.
If he wants to go off with someone else, a marriage certificate isn’t going to stop him. It feels like your partner is kicking the can down the road, hoping you’ll get bored of asking him. If he rejects your proposal, he owes you a serious conversation and a real reason for saying no. If it isn’t that important to him but he knows it means a lot to you, then why not do it for you?
I think it’s brave of you to propose and go all out for love, though, so I wish you all the luck in the world.
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